Bad Movies I've Been Watching.....On Purpose.

     Readers, I have conjured up a very bad addiction - scanning through the countless awful amateur horror movies on Netflix and subsequently watching them.  Shitty lighting and camera work, atrocious acting, wooden, cliched writing, and no coherent plot are all trademarks of this films.  These are the three worst of the worst films I've seen so far, and I dare you to see them too.  Just don't say I didn't warn you, be prepared to waste your time and your life.  Drinking beforehand helps.

1. ThanksKilling

       The ridiculous tagline for this film is only the beginning of a long, downward spiral.  ThanksKilling is about a homicidal turkey from the 1600s brought to life by a group of reckless, stupid college kids that go camping in the woods during Thanksgiving.  The "turkey" is actually a foul-mouthed hand puppet that does his very best to be funny when he's not trying to find gravy-flavored condoms (yea, WOW) or new ways to kill innocent people, but it's more awkward and unnerving than anything.  I chuckled a few times at his lines, but ended up laughing at the actors more than anything.  It just might be the worst performances I've ever seen.  I've seen high school plays with better acting, sets, and effects.  The only scary thing about this movie is that they're making another one - ThanksKilling 2: The Beak-quel!  No, that's not a joke.  Look it up on IMDB.
2. MegaPiranha

 

       The joke of a production company Asylum Films came out with this soul-killing garbage of a film in 2010, made for TV originally.  There aren't enough words in ANY language to explain how horrible this movie is.  Described as a "sci-fi world-disaster film", it certainly has the "disaster" part down.  The premise is nonsensical - a group of killer, evolving piranhas leave their original habitat after scientific testing goes awry and they break out to destroy the world (and helicopters, apparently).  The special effects are indeed special - as photoshopped as that picture above appears to be, that is actually how the piranhas look in the film.  The actors, from no-names like Jason Bourne wannabe Paul Logan to stars that apparently are strapped for cash like Tiffany, are all equally bad.  The Asylum is known for ripping off other film ideas, especially big-budget, end of the world films.  They made a film called TransMorphers immediately after Michael Bay's Transformers was released and duped confused buyers and movie renters into purchasing their product instead of the real thing.  Classy.  MegaPiranha is so bad it almost isn't funny.  Maybe that's why it was the hardest to watch.

3. Birdemic - Shock and Terror

 

       Birdemic: Shock and Terror took four years for Asian director James Nguyen to make, but you wouldn't know it from watching it.  After seeing both Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds and Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth,  Nguyen decided that they logically fit together, and Birdemic was born, taking its rightful place as probably the worst movie ever made, in my opinion beating out even Troll 2 and The Room.   The camera used to make the film was no better than a household digital camera, with clearly no microphone other than the microphone on the camera being utilized.  The sound is so dreadful it is distracting.  The story takes about 45 minutes to even get started - Rod (played by Alan Bagh) meets up with a beautiful model named Natalie (Whitney Moore) and courts her, all the while making millions of dollars at a software company.  After his company is bought out and he makes millions more, he builds and invests in a solar panel company that works towards renewable energy.  That's when the birds come in - well, they DIVE in actually.  And explode.  And occasionally just hang in the sky and squawk.  The "animation" appears to be a series of gifs - it's that bad.  The acting, especially by Bagh, is not even worthy to be deemed acting.  This guy couldn't even walk convincingly.  The writing is plain and unbelievable.  The storyline, as much as Nguyen tried, doesn't strike any environmental themes home to the audience, mostly because they've all either fallen asleep or left the building.  As bad as it is, it's not without a "so bad it's funny" element.  Watch it with some of your friends and be prepared to laugh your ass off.  It also wouldn't hurt to jot down some notes on how to NOT make a successful film.

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