Bryan Cranston may play villian in new "Total Recall", plans to cook meth for the entire cast if chosen

     There are some actors in Hollywood that deserve to be much bigger than they are.  If there was ever a poster-child for such an actor, Bryan Cranston would be it. Mainly a television actor from comedies like Malcolm in the Middle and Seinfeld to dramas like Breaking Bad, Bryan Cranston is as versatile and talented as they come.  With the 1980 movie Total Recall getting rebooted, Cranston could add "sci-fi" to his list of things he does better than everyone else.  Good for you, Bryan.

 

"You guys wanna see a dead body?"

     Stand by Me is probably one of the best coming-of-age stories ever.  It's also a pretty well-done adaptation of Stephen King's short story "The Body" (as good as it will ever get).  Rob Reiner is such a great director too.  The cast that's still alive (RIP, River Phoenix) met together for the movie's blu-ray DVD release last week, and ended up taking this amazing photo, which I will probably frame.  Last night I had a nightmare that they remade this movie, and the fat kid from Diary of a Wimpy Kid played Vern.  So help me God if that ever becomes a reality.

 

People besides Mike Huckabee are pissed at Natalie Portman

     Catfight!!  So apparently Natalie Portman's body double for Black Swan, a 27-year-old nobody ballerina named Sarah Lane, is insisting that Portman only did "5 percent" of full body shots, and that Portman is not the excellent dancer everyone thought she was.  Hey Sarah, back off, she did ballet when she was 13.  Those are some credentials.

     Not everyone that worked with Portman agrees though.  Her fiancee Benjamin Millepied, who I'm sure has no bias whatsoever, is defending his girl, saying that Natalie was "85%" of that movie.  Wow, that's a lot of percents, guys.  I wonder where the last 10% went?  Don't try to do math, actors.  Jeez-us. 

Despite reports that Joseph Gordon-Levitt will play Albert Falcone in DKR, he in fact will not play Albert Falcone

"Um...what?"

     Everyone likes an article about Joseph Gordon-Levitt.  America won't admit it, but we are all entranced by his square jawline and two last names. Anyway, this week there was an explosion of articles that claimed Gordon-Levitt's role in Christopher Nolan's upcoming Dark Knight Rises was Albert Falcone, The Holiday Killer, and son of mobster of Carmine Falcone.  But literally, about a day later, these reports were confirmed as false.  Back to the drawing board, public.  Or maybe next week they will just run articles saying he's the Riddler.  Hey we're all thinking it.  

A Sorry "State"

     Last night I went to downtown Denver to see the unveiling of Kevin Smith's new film, Red State, which he is touring around the country until the film's wide release in October.  This isn't him at the Denver event yesterday (I didn't bring a camera), but trust me, he was dressed this exact same way.  A Jersey and Jorts.  That's how this guy rolls.

 

     I had been anticipating seeing this movie ever since I saw the teaser for it about 7 months ago.  It looked like a decent horror/suspense/drama.  So I was more than happy to pony up the dough to see it at a theater for the first time, even if it meant having to hear Kevin Smith talk about himself for and hour and a half afterward.  

     Red State is a movie about three boys that respond to a "casual sex" ad placed by an older woman, and after heading into the woods for a liaison, find a much more dangerous fate than catching a number of STDs from a stranger. They are trapped and held captive by a radical religious cult led by the infamous Cooper family, who directly mimic the real-life Phelps family of Topeka Kansas, leaders of the outrageous Westboro Baptist Church.  In the story, the Coopers, like the Phelps, are most known in the area for picketing the funerals of homosexuals, and speaking out against any Americans that defend them. This analogy of the Phelps family as the Coopers family in the story was not even attempted to be anything less than absolutely obvious.  That's where this film begins it's slow spiral into a movie that is great in the middle, but sucks at the beginning and the end.  

     I had heard over and over again that "this was not a Kevin Smith type movie".  That is actually what drew me to it, because, let's face it, Clerks has not aged well, and looking back, it can be appreciated, but is not the greatest movie ever made.  The problem is, this IS a Kevin Smith movie.  Kevin Smith is very blatantly against the real-life Phelps family (many American should be and are) but the way he writes the Coopers family in the film suffers for it.  You can stand on one side of the fence with a film and make a social commentary - but don't sit in the mud and completely saturate yourself with it.  It comes off poorly in a film, and Red State was no exception. 

     Despite the great story idea, terrific acting (special nod to Michael Parks), and eerie, superb sound editing, Kevin Smith directed and wrote this script apparently for an audience that thinks in black and white.  Everyone is either all good, or all bad.  That tends to piss me off.  Grey area and moral ambiguity are good in film, because it allows debate and discussion, which you would think Kevin Smith would enjoy.  This over-obvious writing of "telling", not "showing", is condescending to the audience, and doesn't allow them to think for themselves and make their own judgments on if they like or dislike a character; if they root for someone or hate them.  These kind of reactions are why films are made.  
     Despite the brown-nosing annoying audience of fan-boys at this event that apparently love Kevin Smith more than life itself, the movie, for me, was still worth the viewing.  It's just disappointing to see a couple one-liners dilute would could have been a very gritty, in-depth film.  Sorry Kevin, but it looks like the black and white of Clerks rubbed off on you a little too much.        

Jon Cryer is not a troll (video evidence)

     Would a troll do THIS??  I think not.  Happy Thursday readers.

NEW SEGMENT! "Don't Watch That, Watch This"

    Yet another reason to read this epic blog.   "Don't Watch That, Watch This" is a new segment I'll start doing twice a month, where I basically give you, my faithful readers, my opinion on two similar types of movies, and tell you which movie is not a waste of your time.  I almost named it, "I Watch the Crap So You Don't Have To", but that was too long and not catchy enough.  

Two Scorsese films kick us off!

Don't Watch That:

Watch This:

     Both of these movies encompass the mob scene, starting in low-level susceptible blue-collar neighborhoods and ending in the hierarchy of organized crime, with every ounce of cocaine and semi-automatic weaponry that comes with it.  People like power; power corrupts them.  People like lots of money; money corrupts them.  Scorsese is a great director, and both of these films are founded in both of those beliefs, but honestly, it's the execution of each film that makes Goodfellas the superior film. 

Where Casino Loses:
     Casino, first of all, is just too damn long.  Most of the movie is exposition, which I absolutely despised.  In fact, that is what hurt this film the most.  Exposition at length is hard to handle anyway, but 3 hours of it??  You tune out after awhile.  Sharon Stone's acting starts out good, then turns to bad, and then ugly, and then way, way over the top.  The plot becomes a little shaky and seems to plateau about two thirds of the way into the movie, which means there is literally an eternity hour left that honestly feels like filler time.
Where Goodfellas Wins:   
     Ray Liotta is just such a badass in this movie.  This film also has exposition, but it's mostly only at the beginning, where it's needed, and after that, the actual ACTION takes control.  The dialogue is more engaging, the pacing and length is just right, and Joe Pesci is still funny when he cusses out someone while smashing their face into the floor.  The ending is a lot more poignant, because the plot stays strong throughout the entire film.  You actually feel sorry for the characters as the law and karma finally catch up to their Cadillacs and weekend mistresses and drug operations.  When it comes to the reality of how crime does not pay, Goodfellas packs the harder punch.      

Wow, I know what I'm doing April 1st.

     THIS.

Gilbert Got-Fired

     Gilbert Gottfried is such an asshole.  Apparently he didn't learn his lesson after 9/11 when he got in trouble for posting tasteless jokes days after the Twin Towers fell, because he is in hot water again, this time for Japan tsunami jokes.  They have already cost him his job with Aflac, which apparently was his only employment seeing as how Hollywood Squares no longer exists, as well as any sultans in the Middle East in need of an annoying parrot.  He twittered a few days ago:

- I was talking to my Japanese real estate agent. I said “is there a school in this area.” She said “not now, but just wait.”
- Japan is really advanced. They don’t go to the beach. The beach comes to them.
- What do the japanese have in common with @howardstern? They’re both radio active.
- Japan had put out this urgent plea….” PLEASE SEND US A FEW BIlLION RUBBER DUCKIES!!!!!"

     Wow, dude.  Seriously?  You have the balls to throw puns at a tragedy that isn't even close to over yet?  Don't you know anything?  According to South Park, it takes 22.3 years for something not funny to become funny. And legitimate for jokes.  So your jokes are 22.3 years too early.  Come back in the fall of 2033 and you may get some laughs, not a pink slip.  

Deja Vu

     I saw this trailer and had flashbacks of Kick Ass.  Anyone else?  Man Hollywood will not let the superhero thing go.

Useless Trivia of the Week

     

     If you're wondering why I have a picture of Keith David on my blog today (also known as the scumbag douche from Requiem of a Dream), he apparently is credited with saving Charlie Sheen's life.  No, not with an intervention.  Those are jobs for Colin Farrell and Sean Penn.  While shooting Platoon in 1986, Sheen was almost thrown out of an open helicopter door due to turbulent maneuvering, but David grabbed him by the back and pulled him in.  I wonder if the pilot was the same guy that did the work for The Twilight Zone movie.  Yikes.  Anyway, I figured I might as well get the required Charlie Sheen jokes out of the way.  Bandwagons are for jumping on. 

Good deed doer

"Battle: Los Angeles" is a great movie, says Roger Ebert...oh wait, no, IT'S HORRENDOUS

     Roger Ebert came out with a review yesterday for Aaron Eckhart's new film, Battle: Los Angeles, and it was not pretty.  The movie is about aliens, which originally perked my interest, because I like aliens, and there actually was an incident in February of 1942 on the California coastline, in which the US Army engaged in air combat with a UFO for nearly 4 hours, causing a total blackout throughout the city into the next morning.  True story.  If you don't believe me, go Google that shit, because it happened.

   Anyway, it turns out this movie is not about that marginalized historic event at all, unfortuanately.  No, the filmmakers were much more interested in crappy visual effects and very bad writing.  Ebert gave this movie a thrashing, saying, quote:

"Battle: Los Angeles is noisy, ugly, violent, and stupid...The dialogue consists almost entirely of terse screams...Generations of filmmakers devoted their lives to perfecting techniques that a director like Jonathan Liebesman is either ignorant of, or indifferent to. Yet he is given millions of dollars to produce this assault on the attention span of a generation.  Young men: If you attend this crap with friends who admire it, tactfully inform them they are idiots. Young women: If your date likes this movie, tell him you've been thinking it over, and you think you should consider spending some time apart." (source-rogerebert.suntimes.com)

     Whoa!  Usually you don't hear reviews this harsh unless it has anything to do with Michael Bay!  Wow!  Go Ebert!  I especially liked that touch at the end where he warned younger people to stay away from drugs and awful films.    

Now the story of a wealthy TV station who dumped a great show, and the one producer who had no choice but to bring the cast all together

      The Arrested Development movie is finally underway, and it will probably be out this year or early next. Mitchell Hurwitz, who THANK GOD is writing and directing it, came out last month saying that "all systems were go".  That secretly means that Michael Cera decided to not be an asshole, and was the last cast member to sign on and hop aboard the train that took him to stardom in the first place.  Without this show, Mikey, you are just another Jesse Eisenberg.  

     This show is probably one of the best shows ever made.  I was a fan since day one, and although this TV-show-made-into-a-movie is usually a formulaic throat slitter with disaster written all over it, I'm actually looking forward to its premiere.  And just so you guys know, all the seasons are to Watch Instantly on Netflix.  Not like I've been staying up till 3am watching them or anything.
     Oh, and I found this by randomly browsing, then had to post it because it is so hysterical.  

 

Blast From the Past! - Quentin Tarantino's "Pulp Fiction"

     When this movie first came out in 1994, independent film was just taking off, and Tarantino basically rocked everyone's world with how bizarre and unique his filmmaking technique was.

"The Twist"

     I watched this movie last night, and it kicked ass, as it has all these years.  Tarantino is the king of writing dialogue.  It's almost two and a half hours straight of people talking, yet it stays true and brilliant the whole way through.  Actors like John Travolta and Bruce Willis have this movie to thank for reviving their stagnating careers as well.  Tarantino's cameo isn't even all that bad.  What I really like about this film is that it is original, one-of-a-kind, and it's a dark-like comedy about people who experience some really strange things.  

"English!  Do you speak it???"

 

People with lots of time to spare built the house from Pixar's "Up"

     

And wow, it actually works!  Fuck yeah!  All they need to add is a obese Asian boy scout on the porch!!

See the video here.

Awful Movie Trailer of the Day - "Drive Angry"....IN 3-D!!!!

     Um, what is William Fichtner doing?  I mean, I know what Nic Cage is doing, he does it a lot these days, and by that I mean making bad movies...but William Fichtner??  Don't take him down with you, Nicholas!!  He kicked Bruce Willis' ass in space once, he'll do it again.

Elijah Wood on "Yo Gabba Gabba" last year

     ....and he is surprisingly good at this.  Must have been something he picked up from Gollum.  Oh, and just so you know, around 1:45, it gets terrifying.  You are warned.

Review: "Best Worst Movie" - Also known as, "You Can't Piss On Hospitality, I Won't Allow It"

     About two weeks ago, I posted about my viewing of Troll 2, which was probably the most abhorrent film ever made in any genre.  Yesterday I finally got the chance to see the documentary about the making of Troll 2, called Best Worst Movie, directed by Michael Stephenson, who coincidentally played the main character in Troll 2 as a kid.  

    

     Overall, I really thought this documentary was put together well.  It was well paced, and was set up to intrigue us, not bore us.  It mostly centered around a guy in Alabama named George Hardy, who acted almost 17 years ago in Troll 2 (He played Stephenson's father).  He's a dentist that runs a successful practice today, but slowly he discovers this amazing cult following this awful movie has obtained over the years.  From dive movie theaters in Los Angeles to hipsters' houses in New York, people line up and down streets to see this movie and get a face-to-face conversation with the cast.  George Hardy speaks candidly about how ashamed he is of his performance in the movie (he was probably the worst actor of the bunch - just god-awful)l; in fact, many of the cast describes how "horrified" and "confused" they were after they saw themselves in the film for the first time on TV about a year after production wrapped up.  Most of them joke about it today.

     That's as best a segue into what I didn't really like about this film.  And actually, it was what I didn't expect more than anything.  This documentary takes a really depressing turn towards the last third of the movie.  You see how some cast members literally went crazy after making this film.  And don't even get me started on how batshit insane the Italian director who made Troll 2 is.  What a jerk-off.  I would never work with such an arrogant, bossy producer.  It's also interesting to see the change in George Hardy, as he starts to really get into the cult-like movement that his film created, and almost becomes ego-tisical and saturated in himself.

     More than anything, this documentary examines how almost two decades later, this film's endearing qualities of being the "best worst movie" has won out.  Director Michael Stephenson is clearly better at producing movies than being a 9 year old boy screaming into camera lenses.  Congrats to you Michael, looks like you made something you can be proud of.   Also, there was a hint that Troll 3 may be on the way....Dear God.